That Moment When Shawn Realized...

As I consider the most poignant and powerful moments of this entire journey, a few instances come to mind. First, when we got his initial cancer diagnosis.  Second, each time we had to tell our children (which was 5 separate times because of schedules).  Third, when the pulmonologist told me that the cancer around his lungs was really bad and there was nothing surgically that could be done. Fourth, when we had the conversation with our kids that Shawn was likely not going to pull through. Finally, a couple of conversations we have had with Shawn Jr when he realized the end was near. 

It is with some reservation that I have decided to share with you these two conversations with Shawn.  These feel really raw, personal and special.  Part of me wants to just keep these in my heart and mind without exposing them to the world.  I feel a bit like sharing these stories takes away some of their power.  It is like me giving away a special gift.  But, the more I considered it, I decided it was the right thing to do.  

On a related point, writing these blogs is rewarding but completely exhausting.  We started this so we didn’t have to update a hundred people individually.  We knew people would want to keep updated because Shawn Jr is well loved.  But, right now, it is hard to find the time and the writing process is difficult because I am so emotionally and mentally drained.  But, I want to capture these moments, and people seem to genuinely appreciate the updates and hearing our thoughts during this time.  Some of our posts have been viewed by thousands of people.  I have no idea who you are, but I hope something we say here can bring you comfort, insight or can otherwise be helpful to you in some meaningful way.  

So, back to the powerful conversations with Shawn Jr...

Last Friday (July 5th) we got the news that Shawn’s lungs were failing him and he likely was not going to be able to fight through this issue.  His lungs were simply too weak.  When this happened, I came back in the room and told Shawn that this was very serious and that they don’t have any options to improve his condition.  I asked him if he wanted to be put on a breathing machine.  I painfully explained to him that if he was put on the machine, we would likely never be able to take him off.  He quickly said no to the breathing machine.  (Some of you know the crazy series of events very early in this process that resulted in Jr being put on a breathing machine, for a short period of time, at Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas.  He absolutely hated it.  To hear him tell it, it was the worst experience).  Instead, we asked the hospital to bring in a BPAP machine to help Shawn breathe off some of the carbon dioxide in his body so he could extend his time with us. 

After we learned that Shawn’s situation was critical, we let people know, and people started coming to Houston.  Not just immediate family, but extended family and close friends. People were traveling from far away and were getting here that same day.  

I was in the room beside Shawn when a group of people walked in the door.  I cannot remember who it was.  But, he knew those people were not scheduled to be here and when they came in, Shawn Jr’s eyes lit up.  He quickly turned to me, looked straight into my eyes and asked, “Am I going to die?”  I don’t really remember my answer.  I said something like, “We are all going to die in our own time and your situation is very serious Shawn.”   I don’t know if those were the exact words, but it was something like that. Shawn threw his head back and said, “I knew it.”  He seemed angry.  Not scared but really frustrated.  He has been fighting so hard, and now we are telling him that he is not going to beat this thing.  

Early that next morning, a more meaningful discussion happened.  Misty and I were both beside Shawn Jr.  It was dark outside.  We were on the same side of the bed.  Shawn Jr woke up like he normally does and was sitting on the edge of the bed.  He was a bit dazed from sleep but mostly from the carbon dioxide building up in his body.  Misty was holding one of his hands and I was holding the other.  He opened his eyes, looked at us, and said, “I am going to die.”  I said something like, “I know buddy.  It is going to be alright.  You know that you are going to heaven.”   Misty said something like, “You will not be suffering anymore and we will be there with you someday.”  The next thing he said was one of the hardest things to hear.  Shawn Jr said, “Please get to heaven quickly.”  Through my tears I said something like, “It will be quick.  Our time here on earth is short. I am so proud of you.”  Misty reminded him that he was going to be happy in heaven and he would not be alone.  He said, “I love you,” and the three of us just hugged each other for a few minutes.