Feeling Incomplete

Shawn Jr died exactly 24 hours ago.  We drove home from Houston yesterday and made it back late last night.  Leaving the hospital without Shawn Jr was so hard.  Pulling up to our home last night was maybe even harder.  I do this little thing in my mind every time I get home.  Because we have so many kids doing so many things, I have made it a habit to take an inventory of where everyone is at before I walk into the house.  Realizing Shawn Jr will never be there again caused me to just sit in the car a couple extra minutes.  

I woke up a few times during the night and tried to sleep in late this morning.  I have been so tired and wanted to get some rest last night.  Because I have either been in the hospital or sleeping on Shawn Jr’s bedroom floor, I slept in the same bed as Misty for the first time in months.  I woke up several times in the night thinking about all the things that have happened over the past four months. 

I have had lots of emotions and thoughts in the last 24 hours - Shawn Jr’s constant struggles, those pivotal scary moments, fleeting happy times, and the heavy, heavy events over the past six days.  Being right next to your child during their final seconds of life is so painful.  

The biggest thing I feel is incomplete.  We were together almost constantly over the last three months.  It was the worst time and the best time.  I had more real conversations with Shawn Jr in the past three months than in his first 21 years of life.  He allowed me unprecedented access. Although he was always very proud, he allowed me to help him and even asked for help.  It was an honor that he asked.  I have my whole family together right now, but I feel incomplete. I miss Shawn Jr so much and it has only been one day.   This is going to be hard.  






Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing that story. You are so blessed to have had home for 21 memorable years and I know your heart is broken but those memories you will cherish forever.

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  2. Praying God gives you the Peace that He can only give.

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  3. Holding your family tight in my heart with God's presence surrounding all. Wishing you strength and peace.

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  4. Shawn I have read every word you’ve written. I have prayed many words over you all and cried harsh tears over what we don’t understand. I love that you have shared so openly. It has helped so many and will continue to help more in our quest for comfort while we are still here. I will continue lifting you all up. 24 hours is a big accomplishment. Crying out to Jesus is a good thing. Wrestling with him is ok too. He’s big enough to take it. It will draw you closer and you’ll know Him like never before. It’s a tragic gift, but a gift nonetheless to suffer and come out the other side with Jesus carrying you. Hang tight brother. You are not alone.

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